In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.
I know. It's been 4 months since I last updated. I got my reasons and they're just too many to list down here. I can give you the major one though.
Finishing my diploma in April, I focused on one thing:
All I had to do were apply for a place in the UK and then ask for a sponsorship. Scholarship or loan, doesn't matter as long as I get a sponsor. Easy enough, right?
I did plenty of reading and research. Asked a few friends too. Talked to some friends about whether or not it's the right thing to do because there's like no one in the house except for my parents so it'll make me feel bad if I go. I prayed more than I used to. I wept, cried and banged my head on the walls. I was going nuts.
I applied to 5 unies: Sheffield, Newcastle, Manchester, Cardiff and Southampton.
I got a spot for Newcastle and Sheffield. A conditional and unconditional offer respectively. So I had to choose. I did. This came to my house...........
I chose Sheffield, so I searched for a sponsor. Nobody was offering because apparently most of them were closed by the time waaaaaay before I got a spot. Like in March or May, all offers are closed. I just think that's unfair because that means they're prioritising the SPM leavers rather than diploma holders. JPA opened their applications for the top world unies, which Sheffield is NOT and MARA said that they don't have the budget to send students for degree because their focused on the masters and PhD students. I find that really annoying to be honest.
A few weeks before the local degree sessions were about to start, I got this in the mail.........
Alhamdulillah I got a place in UTM..KL..AGAIN. It's a 2nd year entry so I'll be finishing my degree in 3 years instead of 4 In Sya-Allah.
Some might know how it feels, some may not. But right now, I don't bloody care. It bloody hurts to be so close and then have everything fall apart (aside from getting UTM of course). Do you have ANY idea how it affected my self-esteem? Do you know how much of an emotional and neurotic mess I was? I was mentally, emotionally and physically beaten and drained.
I have my family giving me pointers too. Don't get me wrong, I listened. I know they all meant well and I appreciate it. But there were times when I felt that they think I wasn't doing the right thing. Don't ask me what that means because I'm not sure myself. So let's just leave it at that because I know sometimes my family reads my blog.
I find it ironic sometimes because I treat my blog like a journal that I let people read. So I think I sort of have the right to write anything I want. But then sooner or later, someone in my family will say something like "Change what you said in your blog. It's not nice." or "Better delete that tweet or you'll have a lot of people being angry at you." (Twitter) or "Take down that post. It's rude." (Facebook). Ok, so maybe for Facebook or Twitter I can consider deleting them but my blog is where I pour everything out because you wanna know why? Because us youngest kids in the family are often thought as the one who just can't think. As in whatever we say is invalid and doesn't matter. Regardless of how right we are, the older ones than us will just cancel out our opinions. I hate that. And I hate arguing with people. So I just end up walking away from an argument despite knowing how 100% sure I'm right.
Anyway, people keep telling me to do my best in my degree so I can do my masters overseas. I will surely. But what if my best ain't enough? Talk is cheap tapi kalau dah result macam tu jugak nak buat macam mana? Betul tak? The pressure is just like so immense, I'm a wreck, man.
Someone told me, "Just focus on your studies...And tennis. That's it." I totally agree. Tennis is the only time where my problems wash away and I feel like right now is the time that I REALLY want to study. Which means....I won't be blogging anymore. If I DO post something, it's just because I don't want my account to be closed or something like that. I'll be on other social media of course.
Well, classes start next week. So I won't be posting here anymore eh? Meh. Not like anybody reads this anyway.
See you guys on the flipside!!